it's Results Day tml.








SIAO LIAO

i dun remember his exact words. but he said something like this :

J : go ahead and love ur desmond. u will have my blessing. leave me alone, bye


FUCK U. he's dead la......... idiot! FUCKING FREAK!!!


WTF??? who's the one tat kept msging me stupid idiotic stuff everyday????? i m glad he's finally going to leave me alone.


go ahead n love him???? i will. definately i will.







if only he's around for me to love.

why u

i hated myself so much for not attending his funeral. i din even see him for one last time.


Desmond, i really miss u.


i miss u so much.







pls let me c u in my dreams.


我真的好想你。



there isn't a day where my thoughts aint full of u.

not me

i was reading my blog's archives ytd and i realised something. 2/3 of my entries were abt guys ( guys tat loved me, guys tat i loved, guys tat hurt me n guys tat i hurt ).



my blog started off with Desmond. After celebrating my 22nd birthday with him, i realised i still have feelings for him.

just when i was still struggling to get over Des, Himbo came into my life. i knew him thru friendster ( he's actually Green Girl ex-classmate ). We chatted on the msn almost everyday, even during my exam period. i remembered him asking me once,

" aren't u suppose to be studying, how come u kept logging on? "

my reply: " juz came on to relax awhile " (actually my purpose was to chat with him)

but that was the past. Somehow, we didn't work out. i kept flaring at him over the smallest matter. things like not getting me a christmas present, being late etc. he said tat it was because i m too dependent on him, tat's y when he couldn't met my expectations, i would get angry. but i tink it's because i expected too much fr him.

i've been wanting to apologise for the dinner incident at Lot 1. anyway, tat also marked the end of our r/ship.



After tat was my short r/ship with J. seriously i had no idea y i accepted him then. nthing much to say abt us coz the r/ship was really short. 不过，也是因为他，我和himbo 才真正化上了句号。

他说我们还是朋友，但我认为这只是他对于我的一种安慰。




之后就是M了，M stands for Marcus and also married. 我承认对他有过感觉，but 感觉永远只是感觉，reality is another matter.

we still go out once in awhile, but only with the company of Lynn and Louis.


现在的 entries, almost all were my misses for Desmond.

我对过去的回忆。

但无论将来会是如何，就算是以朋友的身份，



他永远都会活在我的心中。。。。。。

解脱


爱永远都是难题
失去分寸太容易
谁都是凡人不够小心翼翼
有时候忘了珍惜
伤害来的太无意
有时爱太急
需要空间呼吸

争吵愈狠痛愈深刻
然后不断自责
我们都忘了最初的快乐
拥抱越紧痛愈深刻
谁不会舍不得
现在我给的或许并不是你要的

如果分离是唯一的解脱
最后的话我来说
如果永远你不必再难过
遗憾让我来过
就算过去的回忆太脆弱
连未来也没有我
爱着你
仍是我的执着

让你哭泣对不起
为了爱承受委屈
说过的承诺其实还没忘记
愈是在乎的关系
愈是相处不容易
伤害了你我也失去勇气

走到感情关键时候却握不住你的手
还能有什么藉口
让爱再回头

多少的爱说不出口
就让时间帮我说话
我一个人拼命挣扎
总比两个人一起难过
还好吧

如果分离是唯一的解脱
最后的话我来说
如果永远你不必再难过
遗憾让我来过
就算过去的回忆太脆弱
连未来也没有我

爱着你仍是我的执着
爱着你唯一的解脱







----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




i dunno wat's happening to me.

i have been crying everyday, even w/o the effects of alcohol. i cried while i m watching tv, i cried when i m on the street, i cried b4 going to bed, i cried when i woke up fr my slp.

seriously i have no idea how i m going to pull through this period. i noe it's all up to myself.


but



i m losing grip.



maybe it's because "Results Day" will be here soon. 1st of June.
issit a sign to let me see him again???? to remind myself the promise i once made?


无论结果是如何，我都会承担。










也许你的视线范围已不再有我。

i dun seem to recognise myself anymore. y m i allowing myself to fall?


deeper into the shadows.




" why do u still go when u noe at the end of the day, u will feel miserable? "

i wan to feel his presence.

exhausted

歌手：莫文蔚 专辑：如果没有你

hey我真的好想你
现在窗外面又开始下着雨
眼睛干干的有想哭的心情
不知道你现在到底在哪里

hey我真的好想你
太多的情绪没适当的表情
最想说的话我应该从何说起
最想说的话我该从何说起
你是否也像我一样在想你

如果没有你
没有过去我不会有伤心
但是有如果还是要爱你

如果没有你
我在哪里又有什么可惜
反正一切来不及
反正没有了自已

hey我真的好想你
不知道你现在到底在哪里

你是否也像我一样在想你

My Wednesday Nite

went Paragon's Sushi Teh for dinner today. i had sukiyaki beef, the soup kinda salty. dun really like it.

after tat, i went Marina Mandarin Hotel to chill at the lounge. it's a nice, quiet place to relax n chat........


hehe, guess wat i ordered????

SNOWBALL


i really like the taste of it.

Satay!!! and chicken wings (marinated by wen's mum). i tried one, very nice!!!! next time bbq muz ask wen's mum to help marinate.

the chalet was ok. cycling with yun n wen was fun!!!!!! yun finally master the art of cycling!!!! i m soooo happy for her. but hor, i fell!!!!

* ouch *

went Villa Bali with Lynn, M n L after the bbq. i love the place..... the atmosphere's great, damn suitable for guys to bring their dates. nice chill out place as well.

the operation hours: 4pm to 1am.

the orange coloured drink is mine ( Tequila Sunrise ). the milky one is Snowball. ( tat's Lynn's. ) mine tasted kinda weird, Snowball tasted much better. i like it!!

* singing *

Artist:O-Town
Title:All Or Nothing


I know when he's been on your mind
That distant look is in your eyes
I thought with time you'd realize it's over, over

It's not the way I choose to live
And something somewhere's gotta give
A share in this relationship gets older, older
You know I'd fight for you
but how could I fight somone who isn't even there
I've had the rest of you
now I want the best of you
I don't care if that's not fair

Cuz I want it all
Or nothing at all
There's nowhere left to fall
When you reach the bottom it's now or never
Is it all

Or are we just friends
Is this how it ends
With a simple telephone call
You leave me here with nothing at all

There are time it seems to me
I'm sharing you with memories
I feel it in my heart but I don't show it , show it
Then there's times you look at me
As thought I'm all that you could see
Those times I don't belive it's right
I know it , know it

Don't make me promises
baby you never did know how to keep them well
I had the rest of you now I want the best of you
it's time to show and tell

Cuz I want it all
Or nothing at all
There's nowhere left to fall
When you reach the bottom it's now or never

Is it all
Or are we just friends
Is this how it ends
With a simple telephone call
You leave me here with nothing at all

Cuz you and I
Could lose it all if you've got no more room
Nowhere inside for me in your life

Cuz I want it all
Or Nothing at all
There's nowhere left to fall
It's now or never

Kiss Goodbye

i was watching 综艺大哥大 tis afternoon, this girl was playing keyboard on the programme.


suddenly, i remembered tis-------->>> i played the keyboard for him once. my first and the only time.

i cant remember which song i played, it's either korean or jap.

u r always on my mind

the warmth of ur hugs still lingers ard me

=p

Me : * singing *



wahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i m in a super duper gd mood again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



muz take gd care of my skin, make sure it's pimple-free for the next few days.


later goin ransack my wardrobe for some nice beach wear, coz i m having chalet on Tues!!!!!



Sat, Sun, Mon : Full force dieting and jogging sessions!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




dun disappoint me again k.................. * muack!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *

歌曲：最动听
歌手：房祖名

昨天晚上我又梦见你
在梦里我看见很美的东西
可能是在睡前想过你
才会梦见你

在梦里
我常常寻寻觅觅寻找着你
是梦而已

在现实里我曾经问过自己是否爱你
还是个游戏

我想要看见你的眼睛
听见你的声音

不管多小声我会用心地听
不管多小声多小声
我也会用心用意在意地听

我想要看见你的眼睛
听见你的声音
不管多小声我会用心地听
不管多小声多小声
因你的声音
在我心
是最为动听





歌曲：我可以忍受

我可以忍受你不够爱我
我可以忍受你遥远的梦
就算是变化挖空我
至少你还在乎我的感受

我可以忍受眼神的空洞
我可以忍受你时间不够用
却不能忍受做了那么多
使她拥有我该得到的温柔
(使她拥有我没看过的笑容)

爱着你
是我改不了也不愿改的习惯
要放开
哪有那么简单
了解你
是我说不出也不承认的悲哀
包容你
是我体谅的爱也当作应该

不要说对不起
原来你要的不是我
不要说谢谢你
什么你永远在我心中

can u tell me why
这样的我
-你也曾爱过
不是么……


very sweet and meaningful songs.........

Proposal

Watch this------- >>> The Proposal =


got it from BM's blog..... her cousin proposing to his gf of 7 yrs.


it's a very short simple video but it managed to make my tears drop........


so SWEET............ awww.....

Hard To Say I Sorry


"everybody needs a little time away,"
i heard her say, "from each other."
"even lover's need a holiday far away from each other."
Hold me now.
it's hard for me to say i'm sorry.
i just want you to stay.

After all that we've been through,
i will make it up to you.
i promise to.

And after all that's been said and done,
You're just the part of me i can't let go.
Couldn't stand to be kept away just for the day from your body.
Wouldn't wanna be swept away,
far away from the one that i love.


Hold me now.
it's hard for me to say i'm sorry.
i just want you to know.

Hold me now.
i really want to tell you i'm sorry.
i could never let you go.

After all that we've been through,
i will make it up to you.
i promise to.

And after all that's been said and done,
You're just the part of me i can't let go

After all that we've been through,
i will make it up to you.
i promise to.

You're gonna be the lucky one.






my tears fell when i heard this song over the radio on L's car. i hope he didn't see those tears.

it really hurts to noe tat he still cares. as a fren, maybe. it still hurts.

17/05/06 - 3rd mth anniversary (Lynn and I had known M n L for 3 mths lo!!! )
17/05/06 - 2 mths ago, M broke the news to me
17/05/06 - Desmond had left us for 2 mths

ironically, 17 is/was my favourite no. (no kidding) i dunno whether it is still my favourite no. but i m sure it is definately a no. tat will bring back alot of memories.

Me : 爱不是占有

J: 爱是不能没有


wah...... when did u learn to say things like tat?????

wahhh, they got internet access here in Genting. RM 10 for an hour.

kinda boring here, i miss home sooooo much. hehehee, i was checked twice when i went to the CASINOS!!!! which means-------- >>>> i still look young!!!



Yun told me tis " forget abt him, once u have forgotten abt him. everything tat he does will mean nothing to u. "

i dun remember the exact words but tis is wat Yw told me: " he is not worth it. for u or even his wife "


i noe, i have to.

他也许不是个好丈夫,好情人. 但我相信他是个好男人.

LIVERPOOL RULEZ

MAN OF THE MATCH ----- STEVEN GERRAD



woahhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LIVERPOOL won the FA cup!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



lalalalalalala, i m in a super duper gd mood.....

will be in gentin from sunday to tues..... dun miss me too much k!!!

i m tired of ur hot and cold attitude
i m tired of ur empty promises
i m tired of our priorities



i want u out of my life! no, i m wrong.

i want u out of my mind!





let me get it OVER

Desmond's death report is out ---- 'sudden cardiac arrhythmia'

Cardiac arrhythmia is a group of conditions in which the muscle contraction of the heart is irregular or is faster or slower than normal.

sudden cardiac death

Desmond,

我知道是你一直在照顾我, 不然我早就不知会发生什么事。

到最后，我想的人还是你。我真的好想你。为什么要这样？mum told me not to broad over this matter, 她说你也不愿看到我这样的。我也不愿这样，但我真的好想好想你。

让这一切成为一场梦好不好？







i muz really thank my best fren, Lee and my NIE pals..... Lynn, Yun and Wen for keeping me saint during this period of time. 我不知道要说什么，但如果没有你们陪着我， i guess i would be long gone.

我相信我可以再找回自己的幸福，自己的笑容。

i bought a book from Kinokuniya today, with my $20 voucher (my gp project came in 2nd). it's a chinese book 《坚持》 , written my 孙协志 of this Taiwanese group 5566.

y the sudden interest to buy this book?? i dunno, prob coz the author reminds me of someone. or maybe it's juz becoz i need to read something to pass time......


watever the reason is.



i LOVE it.

it's been a long time since i last played the game The Sims (borrowed the game fr yw). Guess wat's the name of my characters???? Desmond and Cherrine (Cherrine used to be my fav name)



miss you

傻瓜

不要说 这全部都是谎言
说时间会让我忘记一切

那天离?留下的痛
已渐渐稍微平静
可是对你的思念
却越来越无法停止

虽然知道 不会那么简单
虽然雨季也 已经过去
还是不习惯?你的日子

我依然深爱着你　
我依然渴望着你

失去了你后 世界都停止了转动
就算像一个傻瓜
我都不在乎
终于可以了解 在我的心?只有你

不要听 这全部都是谎言
说已经忘了你的那句话

只害怕微不足道的
那?心再被伤害
心便背叛了话语
要我怎么能忘记你

只去回想 你的那些任性
这样努力想要忘记你
思念是永不停息的旋律

我依然深?着你　
我依然渴望着你

失去了你后　世界都停止了转动
就算像一个傻瓜 我都不在乎

终于可以明白
在我的心?只有你

我 好想再把你 抱?我的怀抱
永远的不放手守护你

其实我的那?心从?都不曾离你而去
彷?美好时光不曾走远　
静静的 停在那一天

在我小小的怀里　找不到一丝安慰
为什么当我 失去你後才能明白
这一生我的 灵魂只属于你　
（不要忘记）记得我在这里等你

See you once again，My love．．．．．．

Love is just a moment's glamour.

It's sparks could die off and be replaced at any time.

There's so much things in life that are worth pursuing.

Love is merely one of them.

那又这么样？你不能阻止我喜欢你。我也控制不了自己的感情。

喜欢就是喜欢，不需要任何理由。

若爱一个人是需要理由的，当爱那个人的理由已不存在时，那么爱是不是也就随着消失？

原来，真是有可能因爱成恨的。

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My horoscope:

It's a good day to wrap up projects and get closure in a conflicted relationship.
The balance between your work and your personal life has been especially tricky lately -- take some action today that will ease the tension. Do what you can to put your career on the back burner and turn all your attention on a relationship. In discussing a conflict, cut to the chase. Beating around the bush will give both of you way too many chances to avoid dealing with what's really going on. It's like removing a bandage: It's less painful if you get it over with quickly.

i lay my love on u

一开始
就已是个错误的相遇
我们不应该让自己心动

我相信
你曾对我真心过
想要让自己自私那么一次

只不过
你对我的爱是一种折磨
你对我的关怀只会让我心痛

若这样
何必要让它开始
开始了又要让它如此结束

手放开
我会尝试做到
一切就只是想要你好

忘了我
你应该早已办到
只有我
还在苦苦地挣扎痴痴地等待


等着一个永远都不存在的答案


It was never meant to be
A mistake to have our paths crossed

i believed tat
u were true to me once
u tried to let the world revolve juz ard us

y allow the memories to exist
when we were fated to end tis way

my heart aches n bleeds for u
my mind is filled with thoughts of u
when i close my eyes, it is u i see

i will move on
no matter how hard it is
i will try


for ur happiness is mine

*** 我会让自己幸福的 ***

exhausted.


" i m angry "

with wat?? with me for getting drunk???? 你有什么资格????

鹦鹉

像昨天一样 又在想念你
一丝也没有减少
总是想起你

越回忆过去 越会流泪
擦干又流下的泪水里
一个回忆走到了另一个回忆
使我感伤

只收到你的关怀 却是让我最为后悔
没给你更多爱 生怕你会遗忘这样的我

爱你 我 我爱你
在你呼喊我的数千句中
惟独这句象口头禅一样
回荡在我的嘴边
自言自语像个傻瓜

对不起 真的对不起
迟来的这句话也对不起
但还是无耻地等着你
也许明天能盼到你

你的世界虽然很狭窄
我仍然高兴 依旧幸福
坚信会有没有离别永恒的那天
即使在梦中



lyrics provided by our lovely Yun..... 她说：“ even though u r like tat, 希望你会幸福。”


so sweet of her.

Someday

i m sorry but i m jealous of her. i noe u love her n there's only space for one.

i hate her.

i noe u'll hate me for hating her. i m sorry for hating that one person u loved most.

how can i hate someone whom u loved so much??? how can i hate that someone whom the person i love loved???

i m still aching. i tried to recover................. i dunno if i ever will.

i m still struggling.

all the pain behind my smiles. my tears blurred my vision. i m confused.

i miss u. i miss u so much.



i m tired of all the empty moments.

this is Mr Ma's belated birthday present.

don't even have the chance to pass him the gift.............. haiz, 真是自讨苦吃。

got myself a hair cut today......... had my fringe cut short, i like it.

=p






煎熬

女:刚好我们拥有彼此寻找的好
可惜不太凑巧在错的时候
情路上遇到

男:若不是
不忍心看你两难中煎熬
不然我绝不肯这样
眼睁睁看你重回他怀抱

女:嘴角
勉强撑起了笑
也要让你看到最后一丝的骄傲

男:因为你说说到做到
提的起放的下
才有男人的味道

女:我不是不知道
没有你的日子会有多么煎熬

男:就算是我傻的可笑
失去当成得到只要能够对你好
我都会做到

女:你是否懂我的感受
男:说走却舍不得掉头
女:我不该爱的太重
男:让你我如此难过
合:为何我爱的一切没有结果

女:嘴角勉强撑起了笑
也要让你看到最后一丝的骄傲

男:因为你说说到做到
提的起放的下才有男人的味道

女:我不是不知道
没有你的日子会有多么煎熬

男:就算是我傻的可笑
失去当成得到
只要能够对你好

我都会做到

歌曲：回家

我还不明白
为什麽离开了我
没有你的电话
没有一封信
我每天晚上在这里
那里也不想去

可是我好爱你
我觉得我会离不开你
可惜我丢了你
慢慢我的眼泪留下来

回家
回家
我需要你

回家
回家

马上来我的身边
别再哭
就让他走
再多痛苦的等候
相信我也能承受

闭上眼
不再留恋
你却一遍又一遍
出现在想你的夜
别说
不会有结果
永远永远别说分手
而你
又怎麽能够
就这样的放手
一去不再回头

be here, just be there,
my love and only love
回家
回家
我需要你
哦

Des, i m sorry...... i dun tink i will make it for ur prayers on thurs...... i have sch in the morning. well, i can always take mc. but i really dunno any of ur frens.... and i dun wan to c alex. i noe u love her and she loves u. i really dun wan to make myself miserable. i dun wan to cry in front of ur frens, ur family, alex. i noe they wun wan anyone to shed tears.

i will go visit u after my sch activity. i will be here. i promised i will go visit u after my exams.

i still miss u............... i m still waitin to c u in my dreams.

till den, i will wait till i c u heaven......


if i ever makes it there